Melek Ta’us: Dark

A Month of Written Devotion for Melek Ta’us, the Peacock Angel

I am in love with the dark. It’s my favorite playground: night, shadowy woods, ruined buildings, gothic music, horror stories and creepypasta… My most common internet pseudonym, Uncle Dark, is partly in tribute to this.

But that’s not what I need to talk about today. It’s fun to find joy in things other people find scary, but that’s not the real darkness. It’s just a trick of perspective. The real dark in my life is depression, is anxiety. Sometimes it’s so bad, I can’t leave my house.

Sometimes, it’s so bad I can barely move in the world at all. My overall health suffers, when I can’t muster the energy to deal with the daily details of my diabetes, with washing, with feeding myself. My connections to others, even to the gods, suffers when I fear reaching out to others, fear that I’m forgotten, unwanted, and worse.

It’s like being in Hell. It’s like crying, alone, in the dark, in pain, until I find some joy again, and it lifts me out.

Melek Ta’us knows this. Even when I cannot feel him, in the deepest dark, he is there.

Knowing this doesn’t often help, but it’s better than nothing.

Ember’s doing it, too: MWD-Dark

About Ashley Sarver

Ashley Sarver is a queer, nonbinary trans femme, polytheist, gamer, and disability caregiver living in the San Francisco Bay Area. View all posts by Ashley Sarver

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